Humour

To my dear – 1

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Dear Rose / Orchid / Lotus / Jasmine/ All flowers (Except Cauliflower),

Still I don’t know who are you, where are you , how smart are you. But on my side, I got smart ( reason I am explaining below), so I want to talk a lot before marriage. After marriage, I will be hearing you as all the man have to do !

Now keep reading my stories. Hope you will not say these to any body 🙂

Many of my friends do know that I am not a movie buff. As I do enjoy my life’s own movie. Anyway whenever people used to talk about movies, I had to sit silent, as I didn’t know much about commercial cinemas. Last movie I saw was Hrithik Roshan’s first movie.. what the name….Off forgot.. Lemme search google.

Wah found..

Hrithik Roshan – Biography
On January 14 2000 Hrithik Roshan entered a cinema to attend the premiere of his first film Kaho Naa… Pyaar Hai (2000). When he came in some people …
www.imdb.com/name/nm0004335/bio – 34k – Cached – Similar pages – Note this

8 years… ago !! And from then I never been to a cinema hall. Many a times friend said ‘lets go to movie’ . I made lame excuses. And before someday many of friends knew that it was my wish that I will see the next movie along with you only.

And one day one of my friend said something about my this wish. ‘B’ said that may you say -“Hey why did not you see the movie ! With me you could have seen the movie once more na”. Even then I did not went to movie.

And last saturday, when I was in office, my same friends ‘B’ and ‘P’ called me that they were going to movie after night dinner. Though I had thought I would walk the theater for the first time, in hands in hands of yours 🙁 I waited for you so many days, but you did not came. So I went with my friends who have been with me since last 20 years !! May be after going to movie you may meet me !!

‘P’ offered me free conveyance, free ticket ( Rs. 150/- ) . And the movie name was “Get Smart” – a comedy movie. First movie in Bangalore that too for me with a name “Get Smart” . It was time to “Get Smart”

Anyway we went to movie. Parking was full so ‘B’ parked his alto at distance of 100 meters from Sarala Grand.

When we reached hall, we thought to have some ice-cream.

There were many screens in one cinema hall !! My friends were searching for screen number. We entered screen no. 3. After entering, I wanted to move towards the seat in middle. But B said to move right as ours was at the right most three seats. Ohk ! Seat number too was booked on internet ! All Dolby sound effect gone !!

There at cinema hall .. uff Multiplex theater , I saw something quiet interesting there. People used to carry full plate of fast foods, cool drinks, and pop-corns ( we call it makai / makki ka lawa) and go into the movie hall. I never saw a such a big dining theater hall with a such a big screen ! We will also keep our dining table and Big TV ( I mean Plasma TV, right na) to make a dinning theater hall.

The movie started. All those hollywood pronunciation entered my ears after filtering process only. May be some hairs in ears have grown up more. May be 50% ( Am I honest here !) of their conversation I could understand ! I wished if somehow they could give the subtitles in Bengali or Hindi or easiest in English. But it was a boring movie, I could guess out. Sometimes I saw the face of my friends too, whether they are enjoying the movie.

Yeah one biggest Indian actor with small role was our large Indian, the Great Khali of WWE fame.

Even in the boring movie it was a houseful show. What a crazy Hinglishtanis we are here ! And people used to laugh on some conversations, whereas I could not understand many of the words itself at the point they laughed ! Pity on me 🙁

After 40 mins, my dear sponsor friends themselves got bored and crushing themselves for coming to movie !

I was just listening them and smiling. As everything I was getting free, I had little complaint about the poor humor of movie. But I was sad inside that, these guys gave a way to break my promise !!

As the promise is broken now, I will go to all other halls in Bangalore and find the best one before I take you there 🙂 .

BBBBUT What if you could be from Bangalore itself who could have seen more movies in one year than I have seen in whole life !!

Anyway rest details when I meet you ….

Yours
Own.

Kiss of Red Skins

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I should not have written all these – but today I can’t help myself , its all unbearable – and I have to write all these !

In day time mostly, I see her along with her friends. Their thin waist and sharp features are remarkable.Their disciplined walk along the same road, I do really admire. Their walk seems, they are walking on ramp. Should I mention about their pink- red skin. Above all, her and her friend’s hard work everybody praises in our locality.

On our personal interactions, she always used to praise my cooking – And many a times, she used to sneak into my kitchen. It was great, when she used to come alone. But when she used to came along with her brother and her niece and nephew’s friends, I really did not liked that. One day she came along with her parents ! Anyway I do like to make adjustment and maintain a private territory many a times.

Everything was going right. Neither she, nor I had any complaints against each other. Beauty is to see, not to touch, Beauty is to touch not to destroy…

Day before yesterday, I was ready to go to office. Just I left the house, near to gate- she kissed me. It was too much in the hot season of May.

It all happened just before I started for office.Yeah she kissed me on my chest. I came back in the house again along with her. Her kiss was hot. I took out my shirt. But it was still unbearable. Why she did so ! I picked her hands and moved her away. Thanks that she did not kissed me on the main road. I like to forgive many a times, as well as I wanted to forget everything.

In night I slept. She was there near to me ! Near to my pillow. I got up feeling her touch. How she came there, I could not believe in dark !

I switched on the light. She was there along with one dozen friends. Her demand of Cookies and Chocolates and all my affection I can meet, but her presence along with all her friends is now unacceptable. Seems, what a sweet person I am !

I am tired of these little lovely ladies, though they are very hard workers and innocent too, but I am tired of these omnipresent creatures – the small red ants.

Though I keep my house clean like any other Bengali house. But now, their intrusion in my territory is unacceptable. Because apart from kitchen and book selves, they are present in bed cushion, shirts, computer speakers, keyboard, and believe it or not inside one of the computer hard disk !

Especially Only Today !

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Notice : Next year on the same date, I am going to distribute all my property (!!) to my friends !

Most probably, neither I will die nor you, but we may plan to meet next year on same day, as I am planning to do so .

Many Many Many Many ( 4 times) Happy Birthday to the persons – who are born today. They do save the money of birthday celebrations, and increase the number of 4 candles at once and jump 4 years today.

Round the year we can celebrate –
Happy friendship day ( As every day is new in friendship)
Happy birthday( Every new morning we do feel born )
Happy Valentine Day ( Every moment we love someone)
Happy All Day…..

But today is such a day that it must be celebrated today only because it it comes only after 4 years. So I wish you, Happy Leap (year) Day.. 🙂

But why does these leap years occur ? Read more for answers…

On the personal front, one secret revelation is, Wish If I can get married today anyhow !! Surprised – because I might not needed to keep in memory the marriage anniversary date every year and hear her complains that I forget all days 🙂 At least after 4 years, I could have gifted her a diamond necklace after accumulating money in my gift budget for the four years 🙂

Best Continental Breads

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Dear, today you are away,
And I have to prepare breads four.

Really, tonight I am hungry,
Its past ten and minutes few more.

Let me try it today,
Earlier I knew it, its as duty of your.

As you told on phone,
I took the right quantity of flour.

In the flour, I tried to sprinkle water
But by mistake, I did poured More.

Its full sticky dear.
Ah! I have to add flour much more.

Thanks, you can’t see it,
Or your could have teased for sure.

With same love of palms.
Carefully I did knead the flour,

Now I have to flat them round,
But roller dances this way or around.

None bread turned as round,
No symmetry in them I did found.

While baking, they did stick on pan,
Bring a nonstick pan please, when you return.

My some bread looked India,
Some Australia, and Africa I did found.

These are continental breads dear,
Don’t shed the tears, if crazy do I sound.

Because today I can announce,
In your absence, world’s best chef I have found.

(Disclaimer : Poet is a bachelor 🙂 )

Tears of Violet Bulbs

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My eyes were wet.
I was thinking deep,
Whatever I was doing,
I was not willing to do.

My lips were tight shut.
My eyes were really wet.
I knew what I was doing,
There was no other option.

I tried to wipe my eyes,
I tried to stop my emotions,
I tried my best, to all extent,
I hate tears coming out.

But tears came out –
It flown on my cheeks,
Some even touched lips.
None could help me.

Its neither love nor hate,
It’s just a pain of mine,
I was slicing Onions nine.
I was chopping them fine.

Married life and one year…

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And Pinky gave me the missed call. I guess I am the perfect victim when she needs someone to hear so many things ( including craps) with patience. After hearing I was in the market, she was suggesting me to sleep, eat and merry best in the bachelor life as long as its available to me. “Why?” I asked. It was something different than her talks she would have so many of complaints.

“Dada, you may have free (?) classes from me. All your marriage dreams and poems may be about one year, once married. Afterwards you will feel how responsibilities are coming one by one. ” – she told.

She has got some uncommon sense of humour always. By grace of God, they make a perfect couple. She continued -“See for the whole day I took care of the baby. Now your bro-in-law is about to come home. And I am going to act slightly angry for just two minutes, as he will ask the reason, and I will tell a fresh set of grievances. And as reply, with all new set of promises, he will try to make me happy and take the baby for rest of the evening. And your ‘bechara’ bro-in-law with hungry stomach and tired body, have to do his father’s responsibility as well as husband’s. His business expectations are keeping him more busy for the day. And at home, the promotions demand more time from him. All of his friends do complain that for one year after marriage, they were happy. Once they got family promotions, they talk about the golden life of bachelorhood !! ”

I was just listening her and thinking these woman are no different.

On the other front, I was feeling happy, as she understands the things in much matured way and how she is going to do the pretty tantrums once he comes back to home. I know he will be relaxed in reality.

Her unwanted lecture was really helpful for me today. As I got an answer to – my worries of settlement that I had today. There is nothing blissful than golden bachelor life. Though ‘one year’ and afterwards, where my poems will go, I am not sure but . Before “Delhi ke laddu(I mean Saadi ke laddu)” , its time to write few more poems…

Metro Cookies

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I am a smart guy now. And I did not carried any bag with me, while returning from office. Never I felt any need to buy a plastic jhola bag, as its used in home. I can’t carry plastic bags as my father use to do, keeping one inside his office bag.

Anyway food is needed for all generations , be was for old thought’s gen-ABC or current my gen-X. If you are calorie conscious and maintaining the waist size and blah blah, count all calories spent and to be consumed before eating a bit of popcorn.

If you are not a fast food addict, you can try some slow cooking too , but the precondition is you should have necessary PQ. Never heard this term, don’t worry, I will give gyan. Patience Quotient (PQ) is something, never taught in text-books. But one thing I know is, PQ’s lowest level is the red-chilli sauce ready to pop-up the bottle seal and highest level is the ice-cream pack kept in the deep freezer) .

So if you can go for slow cooking, tips from me – put a framed photo of Sanjeev Kapoor of Khana-Khazana fame , in the kitchen, and do experiments. My days are going busy otherwise, I have plans to be guest at Sanjeev’s house, one-day, to know, who really cooks at his home!

In any case while cooking, don’t remember Mother’s cooked food in those hungry hours, otherwise you shall not find anything tasty after cooking.

Anyway vitamins are needed to keep body and mind fit , and vegetables are great source of them. So I decided to buy some vegetables,while returning back from office. While choosing a vegetable shop, I think to help the business of small vendors rather than supermarket. What an excellent thought of socialism! Still no one awarded me, pity !

I buy some vegetables. As language problem is here, otherwise little price bargain would have taken place here too. Saving a rupees 2 is a great achievement.

As I am north Indian , I bought 1 kg potato, 500 grams of onions and 250 grams of tomato.

Had I been a South Indian, the quantities might have reversed here. Me, some Gundappaswami Premnathan could have bought, 1 Kg of tomato and 500 grams of onion and 250 grams of potato.

Of course the shopping list is long, but wouldn’t mention details, otherwise, I have cook it here ! But worth to mention that after all vegetable and groceries bought, it became the congregation of 7 plastic bags. Now my left hand’s each finger got some responsibility, though unevenly distribute. Right hand is free but with big plastic carry bag , with addtional role to carry mobile phone, as its my brains outer part. My brain’s connectivity with whole world is most important.

Though any call can arrive any moment and I have to attend that at any cost. I do cross the road, but why should I be careful while crossing the road, the drivers must understand, that I am talking on a serious topic.

Anyway I am not sure, while crossing road, if my all plastic bags will be intact, when Driver too would be attending the call of her worried wife, while driving.

I crossed the road successfully, oh no, usually, like thousands others are crossing in India. I reached the home. But here cooking is still to be done…

Making Myself Smart

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I am a small town’s ordinary guy, looking khalis XYZ… stumbled into this corporate world. I am writing it, as I want to look smart.

Today, Reebok logo sneaks out from my shoes ! To mention, I took care of that logo while purchasing the shoe as it should be seen prominently. My grandma will laugh aloud, if she hears the price. But I have to buy that one here for so called my feet’s comfort and of course a show off !

While walking, I do take care that my branded jean’s logo sticker reflects itself from my butt. Levis Strauss will get at least one compliment from my colleague. I preferred to change my specs and replaced with newer frameless ones, from the showroom of Lawrence and Mayo. My T-Shirt declares that – I am imported Nike. I walk composed with effervescence of some fine deo into the air around, as girls like them !

With so many self learnt tricks of looking smart, I learnt the art of saying “Hi” after widening my lips.

I am trying to adapt the metro culture here in Bangalore.

Though I am a avid lover of movies especially thematic ones, since last one year in Bangalore, with such nice multiplexes, I still have to enter some hall. May be its going to be 2 years that I have been to a cinema hall. Blame not still having allocated money to be spent for my dear-friends or not having sufficient time on weekends. I do wish to go, but when my own people will be around here ! Funny, is not !

Its my personal preference that, my real life activity partners and friends don’t even appear in the friend list of Orkut, whoever there are, better to call them acquaintances. Some of them never registered even there.

Keep reading, now to confess, few days back, I did asked one of my expert classmate, what is flirting ! He laughed a lot, and gave me some tips. I wished, had I learnt them earlier. Similarly last year I asked another friend, what is dating. What girls and guys do in dating ? Shy… I felt while I asked the question. Though I don’t want to appear dumb, but wanted to know, as small towns doesn’t give much opportunity to learn this art/science of knowing the opposite sex better !

In metro, these lessons seem necessary for majority of smart junta. Experimentation / time pass / natural need of sharing emotions, and of course, knowing each other may be basic purpose of dating. Though after writing this post again, I may not fit the dating frame. So I sit on net with my eyes wide open. Now in the orkuted world, I went through many the profiles and found these are the things, which ‘turns on’ the people and are needed, as per today’s open culture.

Anyway in real life, as not matured enough, I miss a bigger circle here, and hence the scopes of enjoyment available, as I didn’t learnt the art of occassional cocktail parties, flirting, making fun of silly action of others and to show off my branded butt.

On last sunday, my hopping into the popular book stacks at Landmark, gave me the conclusion that – there are tallest stacks of the books – “Five Point Someone ” and “A night at Call Center”. I have long back finished them off. Well written ones. Near by other stacks of books are APJ Abdul kalam’s national dreams and personality development books (that I rarely read). I have been given enough diet of life leading Sanskrit slokas in childhood only.

And the whole episode of these different popular book stacks suggests the changing pattern of life style of Gen-X ( hence reading ).

Fast food is everything – be it literature after using less and less brain to understand it, add fun to life, and dreams of a golden India, and fastest personality development methods – yes there are countable number of methods to develop the personality. Cook well and serve them – ready to eat and digest.

Worth to mention here, body hugging t-shirt and jeans girls are looking smarter than small town shy salwar-kurta girls. Cool and S*** – two words can be used to flirt with girls here ! I do feel envy of pairs, hand tied at the restaurants. Have to scold / make fun of some one – use F***.

The fact is this culture is trying to attract me and I am trying to be myself – mixing up two blends. The perfect cocktail. Even if, have I been blessed to be in that circle with all joys, I could never been happy at the end of day.

To me are the blessed points, as I am happy and content with myself and a job – that I really love to do, my creative hobbies and my real activity partners here / net.

For the instances of look, I started to write, I do wish I would have been happier, if I could walk into my Bata Jubilee  leather sandals, and unknown company’s jean’s sticker covered with my kurta with natural giggles, and do participate in some cultural groups around and feel, Yeah I am doing something for my inner satisfaction !

Hope, I do look smart !

Smoking is a healthy custom !

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Have you ever seen Bidis used as agarbattis ( incense sticks) ?
Or have you ever seen fishes smoking like our ‘Khan brothers’ in movies ?

Yes I saw it at Calicut beach and captured the moment for a pukka evidence. Here in the picture you may see a boat with one fish smoking smartly on the wood and other lying on the floor.Smoking Fish

On the same wood block I sat for sketching 2 hours ago, before the boat went into the sea for fishing. The black old fisherman with one company took the boat into the sea and came back with big fishing net entangled with big sea crabs and several variety of fishes. They took this specific fish first out and lighted one bidi and then put it into this poor fish’s mouth. A fish uses its gills and mouth to breath. And a bidi is securely placed in its mouth, in its normal process of breathing, it became smoking. It seems to enjoy bidi. No jumps of the fish or any movement.

The poor fisherman is at least honest to his agarbatti, unlike we corporate civilians who use smoke ( oh sorry fragrance ! ) of Chandan and Mogra to offer God and enjoy the smoke ( again sorry, Oxygen! ) of cigarettee for enjoying self. For the fisherman as per customs , it may it be a aggarbatti offering to the Sea God.

Anyway the fish remained alive for long and enjoyed the smoking like all my friends, who prolong the tea time with smoking . Who says smoking shortens the life ? See the other non-smoker fish thrown down in the little water at boat’s bottom water left the world early and could not see his friend smoking so nicely.

What strange customs we do have in India as well as around world ? I was equally surprised to see costly liquor bottles offered to Gautam Buddha at Tibbetan temple. Anyway these customs are being followed since ages and deeply entangled with faith. These are all lovely customs around us, many of them can be adpoted, if one wishes !

Anyway its a beautiful world, that can be observed only after travelling wide.

बचपन का मेरा सीकिंया मीत

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आज रात नारद जी सीधे मेरे किचन में पधारे । “वत्स प्रेम, आजकल क्या सेन्टी पोयम लिखता है ! नये साल में तू्झे प्रसन्न रहने का । अरे हँस – खेल यार, मेरे जैसा रह, नो टेंशन, चल कुछ बढ़िया वाला चीज लिख – वरना तेरे से कुट्टी । ”

नारदजी को देखकर मेरे तो दिमाग की ट्युबलाईट जल गई । सोचा सही समय पे आये हैं – प्रभु मेरे घर । सो मैनें कह दिया – ” मेरे प्रभु , आपुन सेंटी नहीं होने की गारंटी तो नहीं ले सकता । वैसे आजकल आप भक्तों को सही  वरदान तो देते नही, और कलयुग में आप जैसों की बहूत कमी दिखती है । ये इंटरनेट के आपके चैटिंग (चाटु) अवतार ठीक से काम नहीं करते । वैसे भी आजकल साक्षात् आपके दर्शन कम ही होते सो आपकी आज ही बात मानता हूँ । ”

नारद जी भौं सिकोड़ने लगे । फिर उनको खुश करने के लिए कहा – ” ओके कल भी मानुँगा । आपके वास्ते जब तक कलम से बिरयानी बनाऊँ, कुछ फ्रिज से निकाल कर पेश कर रहा हूँ , इसे पढ़िये । इसे अनुगूँज के लिए इंद्रजी के आमंत्रण पर लिखा था , March 2, 2005 । शीर्षक दिया गया था – बचपन के मेरे मीत ” ।

इंद्रजी का आमंत्रण के प्रत्युतर में विलंब का प्रश्न ही कहाँ उठता है। शीर्षक तो ऐसा दे रखा है कि कलम ( की-बोर्ड – मुहावरे में बदलाव की आवश्यकता है) तोङकर लिखने को मन करता है । कलम की बात से याद आया, अभी जिस तरह से गोली-लेखनी ( बाल-पेन ) का चलन है , वैसा आपके या मेरे बचपन में नहीं हुआ करता था । अभी तो लिखो-फेको का जमाना है , या फिर जेल-पेन नहीं मिला तो छोटकु नाराज । भविष्य के बच्चे शाय़द इस तरह जिद्दी नहीं होंगे , सीधे की-बोर्ड पर हाथ साफ करेगें । सैकङों फोंट की सहायता से उसका सुलेख देखने लायक होगा । चाहे कुछ भी हो , आज बचपन का मेरा बेजान सीकिंया मीत पेंसिल के बारे में कहना चाहूँगा । बीती बिसारना नहीं चाहता हूँ, जिसके कारण मैं आज यहाँ हूँ । Akshargram Anugunj
बात उन दिनों की है जब मैं एल.के.जी. या यु.के.जी. में पङता था, उस समय बाल-पेन का तो कोई प्रश्न ही नहीं उठता था । पेन भी नही मिलता था मुझे ,सो दूसरों का देखकर ललचा जाता था । ऐसी बात नहीं की गरीबी थी , हम तीनों भाई – बहन में मैं ज्यादा भुल्लकर था । आज कलम दिया कि दो दिन में गायब । सो पेन बंद और रुल-पेंसिल (एच.बी.) चालु हो गया । जब नया पुरा लंबा पेंसिल भी खो दिया तब पेंसिल काट कर दिया जाने लगा । मैं तो महान था ही , हमारे क्लास के सहपाठियों में भी विद्यार्थियों के सारे गुण अलग – अलग परिमाणों में रहे होंगे । मेरे बको ध्यानम् का फायदा दुसरे किसी कि काक चेष्टा को मिलता होगा । नियमतः एक दिन आधा कटा हुआ पेंसिल भी गायब हो गया । माँ के धैर्य का बाँध टुट गया । माँ थोङा गुस्साकर एक अनोखा उपाय ढुँढ निकाली । मुझे काला धागे का बङा रील लाने को कही । कई धागे को मिलाकर पतला डोरा बनायी। मैं आज्ञाकारी बालक की तरह सामने खङा था । माँ मुझे कमीज उपर करने को कही और उसी धागे से कमर का नाप ली । आधा कटा हुआ पेंसिल लाकर पेंसिल के दूसरे छोर पर खाँच बनायी । अब धागे को कमर में बाँध दी । बाँधने के बाद लंबा सा धागा झुल रहा था । माँ धागे को पेंसिल के खाचें में बाँध दी और पेंसिल डाल दी पाकेट में । जा बेटा , तेरा पेंसिल अब नहीं खोएगा । स्कुल जाने लगा वैसे ही । क्लास में लिखते समय पेंसिल को बाहर कर लिखता उसी तरह से धागा से बँधा हुआ । कुछ दिन ऐसे ही चला , हाँ खेलते समय झट से पेंसिल बाहर आ जाता और फट से मैं भी उसे भीतर कर लेता । मैं ठहरा खोजी रचनात्मक दिमागी । फिर एक दिन मैंने पता कर ही लिया कि माँ की पेंसिल में गांठ लगाने की क्या विधि है । बस और क्या था , खेलने से पहले मैंने नख-दंत की सहायता से उसे खोल लिया, और दौङ पङा उन्मुक्त मैदान की और । खुल जा सिम-सिम तो सीख लिया था लेकिन बाँधने का गांठ मंत्र न सीखा। अक्कर – बक्कर का मंत्र पढा, मतलब किसी तरह से गाँठ लगाकर फिर पेंसिल को पाकेट में डाल लिया । अब अपना बाँधा हुआ गाँठ न तो खोल सकता था न ही पेंसिल के खाँच पर वह फिट ही बैठा , थोङा ढीला सा लग रहा था । डाँट पङेगी इसलिए माँ को कहा भी नहीं। मगर होनी को कौन रोक सकता है । एक दिन माँ जान ली की मेरा पेंसिल फिर खो गया है। मैं तो निश्चित था कि फिर बँधा पेंसिल कमर की डोरी में और ज्यादा गाँठे पङेगी , मार भी पङ सकती है । मगर आशा के विपरीत, इस बार माँ चेतावनी देकर नयी पेंसिल हाथ में दे दी । भगवान को तो पता नहीं धन्यवाद दिया की नहीं ,मगर माँ के पास पेंसिल न खोने की कसम खायी ।उसके बाद से बहुत हद तक सुधर गया था मैं ।

मगर आपलोग तो जानते ही हैं कि कसम तोङने के लिए भी होते हैं । भाई साहब , अभी तक पुरी तरह नहीं सुधरा हूँ । कभी कीमती कलम खोने पर याद आ जाती है कमर की काली डोरी । अगर मोबाइल फोन और कंपनी आई.डी. कार्ड की तरह पैन लटकाने का प्रचलन हो तो पक्का पैन लटकाकर चलुँगा ।

मेरा पार्कर पेन कमीज के पाकेट से झांककर यह सब स्क्रीन पर लिखता देखकर खुश हो रहा होगा ।

मगर कान में एक बात धीरे से कहूँ इंद्रजी , बचपन का अधकटा पेंसिल सबसे कीमती था ।